Michaelmas term-the dying throes

Well, that's it. The first term has finished and I'm still here.

This past week was a bit of a strange one-no workshops, no tutorials to study and just 2 exams. (but real ones). The LPC year is divided in 2, mornings and afternoons. Whilst the afternoon brigade got tested on their advocacy skills (more to come) the morning bunch got examined on their interviewing technique.

In hindsight, I probably left my prep for the advocacy too late-the temptation of taking some time off last weekend was too much. I prepared and practised for the whole of Monday and Tuesday morning (when I wasn't hitting the notes for my impending accountancy exam (even more to come)) by the time the taxi came to pick me up I was pretty good on saying all those lovely phrases (the litany) that the examiner would be on the look out for. I was also happy with the case that I had put together. The evidence pointed to a very weak case for the defendant and an overwhelming victory for me.

"Mwah ha haaaaaaaa"

Sorry about that....

Noticeable readers will spot the word 'taxi' and be asking, 'how does a full time student justify going to college in a paid cab, eh?' The simple truth is that I don't drive and suffer from such chronic anxiety about tests and assessments that if I walked up in my suit (and yes we have to dress formally for these exams) I would be such a perspiratory mess that I would be failed automatically on the grounds of hygiene and good taste.

Anyhow, I got to school with about 40 minutes to go-so I went to an empty classroom and did my 'walking around, reciting my lines' bit like a complete luvvie. With a few minutes to go I did the slow walk to the reception area where I would be allocated a room (and an opponent-the poor misguided fool!).
I was delighted to meet up with a few of the guys from my form in reception. I knew that I would not be up against them (the college throw you up against a stranger to make it more like the real thing). We had a brief chat (not about the assessment-the college is not keen on that and to be fair we were all a bit too wired at the time)

Next thing I know is that I'm chatting to a really nervous looking guy in a suit who (like me) failed his assessment. He told me that he had frozen when it had been his turn to speak and when he finally got going was slow that he exceeded his time. It would be an interesting match, he speaks too slow, I speak too fast. Between us, as a weird mutant hybrid of a student we might do alright...

The examiner called us into the test room. We were using a tutors office (not the tutor doing the assessment-no that would be too easy), our examiner is famous. That, however, is a relative term-I knew her by sight. She had made a few I-tutorials that I had seen, so maybe I was a bit awestruck but I was happy with a stranger as the opponent and one as the judge.

...But I dont think she liked me...

It's difficult to say why, granted my opponent was 20 years my junior and a damn fine looking young man but I can't really say why I felt such waves of disapproval flowing from her.

**thinks** I wonder if she reads this?

Back at the assessment, my oppo has started speaking and like a good student I'm making notes on his points. Except he doesn't really have any-his case (which was weak to start with) is not helped because he's being slow and nervous again. I really felt for the guy, before going through the door he'd been a friendly and likeable bloke but now I could see him disintegrating in front of my eyes.
He was supposed to speak for 8-10 minutes and although I didn't look closely at my watch, he appeared to take over 12 (without a warning I note...). Eventually he struggled to a halt. In essence his litany was good (best part) but his case was wafer thin.

I cleared my throat ready to grind his arguments to dust. I began to speak,

'Madam, the issue before you is...'

and then nothing. Absolutely nothing. No sound could be heard, not even a mouse (quick Christmas reference there...) I had dried. For the first time in my life I was speechless.

For the record, I have delivered speeches in front of 100+ people at weddings and get togethers. I have acted on stages with 300+ watching. I have taught secondary school classes of 30+ (god bless comprehensive schools!). I have spoken in courts and tribunals (for real) as both advocate and witness. I have even read the bible out loud in the Royal Albert Hall. And I have never dried up......blox, blox and triple blox!

Oh well, first time for everything...

I couldn't even summon up the words to say, 'I'm sorry'. After eternity plus extra time I began to speak, as I did so, my litany flowed and my argument took form. Once I got going I was OK, my points began to link and make the defendants case look thinner than an anorexic bamboo shoot. I have no idea how long I took but I wasn't warned about overrunning (so could be up to an hour then!) and I ran my final points to a 3 part conclusion based on law and fact, finished up my speech with,

'unless I can assist you further madam, those are my submissions'

I then sat back to bask in my glory.

And the bloody judge gave it to the defendant!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Were you listening to my arguments woman???? Naturally, this was all said with a demure, 'thank you, madam' (whilst thinking die, die, die! Apparently my medication is meant to help with my anger problem **cough**)

So, we stood up and left. On the way down the corridor and out I chatted to the victorious oppo and (being fair) he was chuffed to bits with his win. He did state though that he though I 'kicked his arse all over the courtroom'....I agreed. Not half I did!

Now the story takes a sideturn. When I got home I checked my email and found that a fellow student who I had asked to mail me at my PRIVATE email address had written to both it and my college one. In her email she spoke of her advocacy assessment that had happened the day before (including various arguments by both sides). This is banned by college regulations. I've just checked my original email and it doesn't mention the assessment, it talks of the accounts exam (I knew she was very nervous of it) because I wanted to reassure her (and me). Does this explain my examiner's frosty manner? (or is my old friend bowel-freezing paranoia kicking in?).

For the official record, I do not blame my friend one tiniest bit for what she did. Any blame is entirely mine for being so silly as not to explain my thinking to her. What she did was sensible and beyond reproach.

But it is a very silly college rule. Half of the time on this course they want you to work together on team exercises and half the time so independantly that you can't make whispered comments in dark hallways. Whilst I do not endorse cheating in any way, I am fully aware of people from my tutor group who have already worked together to produce 'individually' submitted work.

Likewise, we have been given an assessment exercise to do over Christmas-if anyone submits just their own work then I will be amazed (apart from the odd Billy No-mates). Can you imagine being a trainee in a solicitors getting your first court case and not discussing it with your superviser or superiors?

The only thing in my favour is if the college can check at what time I opened the email. I have no idea if the college email does have a filter on it to check for certain words, 'exam, assessment, cheat etc) but it is a very slooooooooooooooooow email system so it is possible that each mail is individually checked.
Unfortunately (for me), one of the points in her email was regarding the law that should be used for that assessment. It was THE law that I did use. Can I prove that I thought of it prior to the email arriving? No...

..Rats..

Oh well, another couple of days and I'm back at college again in my window seat scribbling away furiously for my 'solicitors accounts' exam. This is one of those 'pass', 'fail' jobs. I'm content with what I put-the sums might not be exactly what the examiners have on their sheets but the stages of working are pretty well spot-on (and that's where the marks are scored-so if you go wrong on stage one (of about 30), you get 1 point deducted but no more even though every subsequent stage will be wrong-as long as you get the form and nomenclature right)

Which kind of sums up the course-a victory of style over content.

Well, that's it for the term. I have a fairly demanding work schedule for the holiday period (place your bets now on whether I'll even get close to it...) . My workshops begin again on January 3rd.
My next entry will be on the Sunday of that week.

To all my readers, I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas and fruitful New Year.

Almost the hols! Hurrah for sticky buns and fizzy pop!

Sorry, just having a boarding school moment. Not that I went to any form of private/public school, you understand. In fact, when I was below the age of 10 my father would try to punish my bad behaviour with the threat of sending me away to board. And then I read the 'Jennings' books by Anthony Buckeridge about what 'jolly fun' with 'wizard japes' it was at those places (despite the books having been written 20-30 years earlier) and after that I was ram-raiding and dealing crack cocaine on a daily basis in a desperate attempt to get sent away to one.

(note to censors, this was a joke for comic effect only and does not reflect the views or the experience of the writer)

Phew, that was close. Thank goodness for a legal education. After 13 weeks I now know how to cover my arse. Who says education is a waste?

The teaching side of the term is finished, in the coming week I have my advocacy proper (and having read my assignment I am a depressed as I ever was about winning-its a dismal case from our side, which appears to fall on a nicety of law and not a trace of justice**note to self** really must try to pass this one) and my solicitors accounts exam.

What I will have to do is sort my notes out again. We have about 5 weeks teaching in the new year and then it's into revision for the main exams. All our serious exams are crammed into Monday to Friday of just one week. Of late, the work we have been doing has been just a teensy bit harder and some of it has gone 'whoooooooooooooooooosh' over my receding hairline (which to the delight of my friends is now somewhere down the small of my back). So, give or take 3 days for Christmas itself, I'll be studying over the Winter break (and even then I aim to take a LPC book or two away to my mothers)

This week has seen 3 events that have made an impact on my thinking and approach to the course. It's these that I shall concentrate on and cover the periphery at the end.


1) We received the results of our mocks. If you remember, I had been told (by LPC students who had been here last year, albeit doing the GDL then) that 80% (and in one case 93%) of students fail the mocks. This is complete toss, plain and simple. Even on a straw poll from our group it looks like 80% (or 93%) pass in fact.

After the exams I thought that I would have about 70% for business and 50% each for civil litigation and property law. In fact I was hideously out. According to the examiners I actually got 71% for business, 50% for civil lit and 72% for property.
According to the results I got 2 fricking distinctions! This was a major shock (but a great one!). There were some fails dotted around our class (surprising ones too) but on the whole we did pretty well.

This had the effect of inspiring me and helping me get down and work harder from Tuesday on (luckily it's worn off now...) Funnily though, I have wondered how I would have felt if I had scored 2 more percent in business and 1 less for civil lit. That would have given me a fail in that subject. I have a suspicion that I would have been lower than slug's knackers.

(note to self-discover where a slug keeps their knackers)

2) I have pulled out of the Public Legal Services course. It was all a bit sudden, I was preparing for the class on Thursday morning and I thought, 'I am actually dreading going to this, I expect it to be awful and a waste of time-and here I am doing homework for it-why?' So, I wrote to the tutor citing my reasons (change of heart, 2 spods in the class ruining it for me). I got an email back later that day asking me to think again and the tutor possibly having a word with spods 1 and 2 and asking them to tone down their behaviour. It was with an awful lot of shame that I read that, I wish that I had just shut my trap and pulled out quietly. I can only blame the medication (and being a pillock helps). At the back of my mind, the cynical part (a very large part) is saying,

'heh, you never wanted to do it anyway-you only joined the course because you thought that you would be rubbish and get really low scores and barely pass (if at all), so you had to do this to make yourself employable, you scum sucking louse!'
(me and my subconscious are not good friends...)

Unfortunately, there is probably more than a scrap of truth to that. I did (do?) believe that I would struggle with this and scrape through (if at all). But now, with these marks (and they were higher than the classmates who I spoke to), there is in the back of my mind the thought that I can get a good grade.

Oh and by the way...

In your face, polyversity students. The OU rocks!!!
(does mocking dance)

**cough** I am sooo sorry about that

Of course, that cynical component does keep saying,

'they only gave you high marks because they want to get as many OU students to sign up as possible, you worthless rag'

...god, do I hate that guy or what...

I have also pulled out of the pro bono component (though yet to get confirmation of that) for pretty much the same reasons (spods notwithstanding)


3) I got accepted for the next stage of the CPS application.

(not difficult mind, being alive helps)

Shut up you, no one asked your opinion...

This is a psychometric test. These have changed enormously since I first did them 20 odd years back. Then they attempted to discern your personality using 'subtle' questions and if you were an axe wielding psychopath you had more chance passing that someone who was shy (as long as you weren't a shy axe wielding psychopath). Now they focus on two things;

a) analysis of a piece of prose. Is this statement true, false or can't you say?
b) analysing numbers and deducing patterns/sequences.

This should be a walk in the park for me. I used to do this stuff for fun when I was growing up and my arithmatic is good.

(prepare, pratfall coming up)

We are agreed on that one, the test is taken on-line and takes about 40 minutes in total, it is timed by the software-there are 30 prose and 21 numerical questions. The prose was harder than I expected but I reckon that I understood it mostly and did OK.

But the numeracy!! What a farce! The 21 questions come in groups of 3-you complete one and the next flashes up on the screen. The data is held in a grid-at least 3 by 3, up to 5 by 5. You have to read off the data, perform the calculation and look amongst the answers (between 5 and 8) for the correct one.
This was a nightmare-even reading the question was taking about 30 seconds (and I am a fast reader), analysing it took about 20-30 seconds. Solving it then took about 15-20 seconds. the only problem was that I has 21 minutes to complete the test! Every answer (bar a couple) took me best part of a minute to find. End result? I ran out of time. With seconds to go I had 3 left and sensibly guessed 2 but didn't complete the last.

I can put the blame on a lot of things but essentially I wasn't good enough to complete it (and I'm not too sure of the some of the answers I did give...) So, this may be the end of my CPS dream and the start of me looking for entry level positions in the new year.

The rest of the week was anti-climatic compared to those. Solicitors accounts came and went. The class are still pretty frightened by it but come Friday they'll be fine. We finished off probate talking about paying taxes (more calculations-if I fail as a solicitor I should have a new career as a bookkeeper).
Civil lit finished with less of a bang and more of a whimper (we did the usual trick of 'sweeping up' multiple subjects poorly in the one session)

And business....ah...I did say last week, that if I passed well then the business tutor would be my new bezzie mate and the course would be my fave.

I was lying. It's as hideous as it ever was, with the added complication that the tutor probably believes that I'm lazy since I can obviously do the subject but choose to act like a startled bunny. And there's more of it next year including a new class making a total of 3 sessions a week.

(**note to self, must get some 'bunny girl' ears and a powder-puff tail for the last session-so at least I can dress accordingly)

Well, that's it. The first term is drawing to a close and I'm still here.

I am here too and will be appearing in panto this year.

Where's your subconscious?

He's behind you. Oh no he's not! Oh yes, he is!

Better living through chemistry or a mixture of results

This weekend has a nice friendly buzz to it, I've had a look at the prep for the early part of next week and it looks quite light, so I'll just catch up on a few minor bits of consolidation and desk tidying and...finally get my Sunday off! Hurrah!
(granted, I did spend most of the morning cleaning up the flat for the first visit of my landlady-but it wasn't staring at a text book or listening to a video lecture, so-result!)

BTW, I now reek of bleach and other cleaning materials, how long does that take to wear off?

The other reason for my buzz is that I had a doctor's appointment this week and got some fresh medication to help with my exam nerves. It would appear that the accepted medical cure for assessment anxiety is to get the patient off his tits. This may have contributed to my decision to ease off this weekend or it may just be that I'm a lazy old scrote.

Whatever.

I am now a lot more confident about the couple of exams I have to sit in the next fortnight. This marvellous advantage was gained with no loss.

Apart from £13 odd for the prescriptions..
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and the nausea-don't forget the nausea. Almost threw up a number of times this week.
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And the abnormal disrupted sleep patterns (on top of my normal disrupted sleep patterns )
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oh, and the tightening of the throat.

But apart from the cost, the nausea, the sleeplessness and the constricted breathing what have the Roman's done for us? I mean what else has been less than perfect?

Oh, yeah-the loss of appetite....(hang on though, that's a definite plus...) RESULT!!!

Anyhow, time to climb off the cyber-couch and stop giving myself cheap therapy. I shall focus on the week that's just gone. As soon as the giraffe wearing the purple posing pouch moves out of my peripheral vision...

Solicitor's acccounts is 2/3 of the way gone, after tomorrow there will be no more classes and we''ll have to learn it in earnest for the exam on the last day of term. There is considerable trepidation amongst the class over this one. Even pre-spaced out I wasn't too fussed about this-an exam where there's a definite right and wrong answer is meat and drink to me. And since it is closed-note then memory and understanding play a huge part.
As long as I put the work in prior to the exam it shouldn't be a problem. The College are keen to state that 'you get out exactly what you put in'. So I could have the very first certificate made entirely out of cow pats.

But quite a few of my colleagues are worried about it-one of the problems with this place is you have no idea how well (or badly) you are doing. The only piece of work we have had back is the practice writing assessment that although it was marked didn't actually say 'pass' or 'fail'. Which is pretty weird after 12 weeks! This week, however, we shall receive our mock papers back and that could be a real eye opener. So, I can see a lot of people worrying because they are not sure whether the level of work they are doing is high enough-but will the mock results be any help? I mentioned before the 'statistic' that 80% of students fail the mocks-I've now been told (by a different student) that the figure is 93% (how precise is that?!). It can probably go one of three ways if you have a poor set of marks.

1) it inspires you to get down to it and work harder.
2) you think 'so what? the College fail a majority of students'
3) 'Oh god, I am so worthless, I want to paint my walls black and listen to emo'

Our first official scores dont get released to the 19th of January-about half way through the course! By then it's probably too late (but that black room looks great-love the cow's skull...)

Mmm, I think that I've got distracted...where was I? Oh, onto Tuesday. New day, new course. We have a couple of sessions on probate (wills and who inherits when there is no will). This is an area of law in which I have personal experience so was expecting an interesting and informative time.
Except that the tutor was sick so we had a substitute. Speaking personally, I would have preferred to have had a tactful and delicate tutor to take us through this subject-our sub was far more 'robust' in his approach. Imagine being confronted with a jovial undertaker who likes to throw his voice into the casket 'just for a laugh'. Something not quite right there. Ho hum.

Thurday, we are accelerating wildly towards the end of civil litigation (and the start of criminal-hurrah!) and staged a mock trial. Since there are (still) 18 of us in the class, we had to split the roles up (with the tutor being judge). Again, there was an awful lot of trepidation but once it started we had a ball. My role to cross-exam a '18 year old school leaver who has a basic training in cooking but has been given the responsibility to stage a demonstration of flaming crepes Suzette' with predicatable and hilarious consequences. I took on board the importance of the following;

Do not ask any questions you do not already know the answer to.
You are allowed (in fact encouraged) to lead the witness
Ask closed questions (ideally those with a yes or no answer)-if the witness tries to explain by talking further then you say in a loud voice 'thank you, Miss.....' and cut them off.

It was great fun and I loved doing it-I just wish that class could have gone on (but we overran by 20 minutes as it was). Although we have been promised that one of our 5 criminal lit sessions will also be a mock trial (BTW the criminal lit textbook is the thickest textbook we have at 779 A4 pages and there are only 5 workshops-including the trial, mmm could be tad of background reading)

'Hey, Cottontail-what are those two big lights?' 'Hmm, don't know Flopsy-let's ask Mopsy'. 'Hey Mopsy!'

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllcccccchhhhhhhhh!!!

Mmm, must have been a juggernaut...that must mean it's Friday and time for business law. Ah bliss, I love this class as much as projectile vomiting razor blades. (of course, if I get a good mock mark it'll become my new bezzie mate. How fickle am I?) Yet again, a class about selling shares and acting in an ethical manner. I shall not go into any details because I can feel the waves of nausea rising-perhaps it wasn't the medication after all...

So, the new week. What beckons? Well in addition to getting our mock scores back there is an optional class last thing on Friday talking over the papers. Hmm, 'optional', they have got to be joking, right? I have a PLS lecture to go to (I have decided that I will attend this one, but if it sucks like the last did then I shall call it quits there) and I have now received my details for the advocacy assessment-it looks quite dull compared to my practice (this one is to do with a debt owed in a family-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnn.)

Oh well, I suppose that I can keep it by my bed and deal with my sleep problems...

RESULT!!!